After the physical reinforcement, I’d have told you that there was a better chance of seeing Wellington Mara’s granddaughter in a string of explicit, full frontal sex scenes.
And now, one Dragon Tattoo movie later, here we are. But we’ve already looked at the Falcons game. In my humble yet awesome opinion it is a bit too early to start dissecting the Packers. So to what do you owe the pleasure of this Bonus “Bad Guy?” Oh, there is plenty to discuss.
Maybe it’s the fact that I was forced to sit through a half hour of deranged day time television in my dentist ‘s waiting room earlier today, but there is just something about studio audiences I can’t stand. Make it a studio audience filled with housewives who have literally nothing better to do than stand and clap every time a talking head tells them to wear a sweater in the winter or how to heat up leftovers, and I’m ready to tear somebody a new one.
So I approve of Victor Cruz’s decision to forgo Dancing With the Stars this offseason. What I don’t approve of is DWTS’s blatant disrespect to everyone’s favorite Dallas fan turned Giant. Cruz is front page news, a genuine superstar in the game right now. He doesn’t belong amongst the principal from Saved By the Bell and Lindsay Lohan’s cousin. Seriously, when was the last time anyone did that show at the height of their popularity? Kind of a trick question. If you were already trending on Twitter, you wouldn’t need to do a “reality show.”
Another move I give the stamp of approval to is Cruz’s alleged “textual healing.” While there is little to no proof that our lovable #80 was exchanging messages about…..Scripture and hot cocoa… with the lovely ex-girlfriend of Falcons star Ray Edwards, I can’t say I’d disapprove of such head games. Who says you can only score on the field?
As for tonight’s big college showdown, I am less than enthralled. I seriously wish I was. This would have been the perfect opportunity to whip out the reliable “I’m VERY aroused!” Anchorman reference. Instead all I can do is solemnly admit to you that I plan to flip back and forth between ‘Bama/LSU and Monday Night Raw. Yes wrestling is staged, but at least it admits that fact.
Having a bunch of likeminded men voting on who is and who isn’t a top two team, is as dumb as asking the heaviest Kardashian sister if you should have a Boston cream donut or a grapefruit for breakfast. Yet another trick question, the answer is Klohe Puffs.
It might end up being a great game, but this is no way to crown a National Champion. What’s that you say? A tournament playoff system would never work in college football? The number of teams is simply too great? I see your point. March Madness, after all, is a financial disaster that tanks network ratings to rock bottom year after year. Seriously, it’s tough being the smartest guy in the room.
Speaking of being so brilliant, I wouldn’t mind continuing to bask in the glory of calling it in the air that the Giants would need a big game from Hakeem Nicks on Sunday. I can imagine the postgame locker room sounding something like this:
Tom Coughlin: Hold on Hakeem Imma let you finish. But Victor had the best Giants receiving season OF ALL TIME!
If you can’t invision that actually happening, then stop reading my column and rock back and forth listening to Taylor Swift sing a duet with Kelly Clarkson while playing Paddy-Cake. If that isn’t how you spell Paddy-Cake, then shame on you for knowing that.
You know what would really suck; I mean more than Taylor Swift singing, or a Nickleback concert? Losing to Green Bay. That would suck big time. Then, we’re stuck with a crappy draft pick and really nothing to show for it right? False.
ESPN (the Oprah Winfrey of sports journalism) is already plugging next year’s draft because Tebow forbid they go a day without mentioning either the Colts or a college QB with no pro experience that they’ve dubbed the latest best player ever.
The Draft is like Olive Garden. If you’re craving Italian food and your only other option are those disgusting noodles in a can, then yeah you get amped about a trip to Olive Garden to eat a half decent chicken parm. But you don’t head to Times Square to hit up OG when you’re already eating a cannoli in Little Italy. Don’t give me crap about the free breadsticks. You just don’t do it.
When you’re starving for NFL action, The Draft is an oasis in the desert. But that’s it. Ahmad Bradshaw was a 7th round pick. Ron Dayne was a 1st round. Ramses Barden was taken in the 3rd, Cruz never heard his name called.
Moral of story, if we do lose this weekend you won’t have to get bummed out over the late draft pick. See, I’m like a beacon of freaking good cheer.
With that, it’s time to leave you sweethearts. The 15% off coupon at Olive Garden won’t use itself.